if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
