I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
