apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
