did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
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