Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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