I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
