I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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