Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Vodka?
Forever.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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