I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I should be sponsored by Trojan
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
