Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
