I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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