I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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