I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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