I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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