I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
should my penis look like a turkey
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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