Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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