swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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