I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
