I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
