im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
