Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You may now shotgun with the bride
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Randomize
