Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So many bounce houses so little time
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
