I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
this hospital has no fireball
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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