Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I AM VODKA MAN
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
