At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
