she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
