watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
