im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
