I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Congratulations! We have a period
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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