dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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