A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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