I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
handjob tips. give me some.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
