Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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