my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
