I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
