she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
