I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
should my penis look like a turkey
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
