The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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