I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
