I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
