you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
