They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
