I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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