Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
