My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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