you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
