Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
