The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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