Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
