the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
