Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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