I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It's official drugs can't kill me
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
