Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
organizing the empties. That sober.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
