just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
